How parents can help children make friends at a new school

For children starting at a new school, the first day can bring many worries: Will they know anyone? Who will they sit with at lunch? Who will they play with during breaks?

"I'm this much nervous," said 5-year-old Iman Fair-Seldon, holding her hands about 10 centimetres apart. Iman will begin first grade next month at a new school in southern New Jersey, near Philadelphia. Despite feeling nervous, she is excited about making new friends.

Starting at a new school or moving from elementary to middle school can be difficult for children. Parents often want to help but may not know the best way. Experts and students who have experienced such changes offer some simple advice.

Arrange playdates and attend parties

Parents have a strong influence on young children's social lives, experts say. Taking children to parks, playgrounds, birthday parties and other activities can give them chances to meet others. Parents can also decide when their children are ready for activities such as sleepovers.

"Initially, parents have a huge impact when it comes to the friends that children have," said Dr Asha Barber Sutton, a licensed marriage and family therapist and associate dean of academic affairs at National University in San Diego.

Iman's mother, Amira Fair, said she normally prefers to keep to herself but makes an effort to help her daughter build friendships.

"I make it my business to exchange numbers and try to schedule monthly playdates," she said. She also attended birthday parties at Iman's previous school to meet other parents and families.

Let children build their own friendships

Parents cannot choose or manage every friendship their children have. Instead, they can help children understand what makes a good friend, such as kindness, honesty and being able to feel comfortable around someone.

Difficult experiences can also teach children how to deal with disagreements and what qualities they value in friends, Sutton said.

Parents can ask questions such as: What do you like about your friends? Who makes you feel comfortable being yourself?

Fourteen-year-old Jaiden Journet, who is starting at a new high school in North Carolina, suggested parents ask their children whether they have found anything in common with another student.

Encourage children to get involved

Joining clubs, sports teams and other activities can help children meet classmates who share their interests. Parents can encourage shy or nervous children to try something new.

Shia Watts, 16, said joining a theater production at Notre Dame High School in Sherman Oaks, California, helped her make new friends.

"I'd never done that before, but I met so many amazing people," she said.

When Jamir Gonzalez transferred to Uncommon Camden Prep High School in New Jersey last year, he joined the baseball and debate teams.

"If you have any hobbies, find out if they have that at your school, and if they do, talk to the people that are there," said Jamir, now 16.

Once children find an opportunity to connect, experts say they can start with a smile, a compliment or a simple question.

Iman remembers meeting her best friend after complimenting her shirt.

"I think I said, 'I like your shirt,' and then she said, 'Thank you.' And I said, 'So what's your name?'" she recalled.

Encourage some screen-free time

Phones, headphones and other devices can sometimes make it harder for students to start conversations. Parents can encourage children, especially teenagers, to put their devices away at certain times and interact with people around them.

Some teachers and experts also suggest parents avoid constantly texting their children while they are at school.

However, parents should avoid imposing overly strict technology rules on older children because this could make them feel socially isolated, Sutton said. Families should instead discuss reasonable limits on phones, social media and gaming and talk about who children interact with online.

Technology can also help children maintain friendships when they move away. Video calls, for example, allow children to stay in touch with old friends.

One good friendship can be enough

Having a sense of belonging at school can make an important difference to a child's well-being. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, students who feel supported by school staff and classmates are less likely to experience poor mental health, substance use or violence. They are also more likely to have better attendance and grades.

But children do not need a large group of friends to feel connected.

"Even if you only have one really strong friendship or one strong trusted adult, one strong sense of belonging, that can be enough to really positively affect your well-being and your trajectory through school and life," said Nicole Hockley, co-founder and CEO of Sandy Hook Promise, a nonprofit focused on preventing gun violence in schools.

For children who are nervous about starting at a new school, Hockley said it may help to remember that other students are likely looking for friends, too.

"There's also someone else just like you in that same space who's also saying, 'I would like to meet someone. I'd like to make a friend,'" she said.

Starting a conversation may feel difficult at first, but with practice, making new friends can become much easier.